Thoughts

In need for (inner) peace?

I don’t know if I have a resting bitch face, or if my emotionless face turns out to look like some Indian woman cursing or swearing in her mind. But, you see, when I’m emotionless or when I’m quiet, I’m not angry nor am I annoyed. I’m just trying to isolate myself from the world… for a moment.

Since young, I hardly spoke in class though I spoke more with my closer pals. The fact that I was a shy girl in general (and I still am) could be one of the reasons. But thankfully, my polytechnic years made be a little bit more outspoken. Gone was that Parveen who feared public speaking and socialising. I remember having embarassed myself when I read out the morning announcements to the entire student population in secondary school because I was nervous, and my voice was too soft. The vice-principal had to ask me to repeat the announcements again. After that, I only spoke in front of the student population one more time — which was rather alright — but only because this came after several ‘announcement-makings’ over the PA system. Yea, I was a nerve-wreck.

Of course, my course in polytechnic drilled us with good communication skills (every course does anyway) and although I tend to speak too fast, my confidence level is much higher than before! I speak to people confidently too and I know how to engage with people in conversations when once I always thought “I should get the hell out of this place” (but I tried to converse too so don’t say I didn’t try). But regardless of all that, I NEED my personal space and time for MYSELF.

When I say that, it could mean two things: leave me alone or just stop talking (in a nice way).

My mouth needs a break

I’m one of those who remains composed and normal in front of a general group of friends and acquaintances but with my ‘kakis’, I do talk a lot. But that’s because I’m comfortable with them. They know me very well. It’s just like how you talk to your parents more for instance. That being said, no matter how close that person or group of friends may be, I yearn for some form of lone time afterwards. This could come just with me being quiet, using my phone or just letting others speak while I just nod in agreement or laugh when appropriate. And when I don’t talk at all, especially when it’s just the two of us, I get this a lot: “Parveen, are you okay?”

I’m fine darling! How do I explain to you that I need some peace for a moment? Am I abnormal? I don’t know but all I can say is that I’ve talked too much and my mind is telling me to shut the fuck up. It needs some inner peace. It’s just how you need to rest your body after a hardcore exercise regime. Similarly, my mouth just got some exercise by talking too much and now, it needs to shut up (pardon my lame self). That’s why I’m quiet! Even while eating with a group of friends, I zone out for a moment because firstly, I’m eating and I don’t want to get choked, and secondly and most importantly, I’m just giving myself a break.

I’m perfectly fine!

In need of personal attention

Another way to rest my mind would be through a lonely ride home, which I really enjoy but that is not to say that I don’t like people with me at all. I’ve bumped into people and I’ve gone home with friends together. It’s a great experience by itself. But you see, that’s not ALL the time!

When I’m alone on the train or the bus, I keep to myself, giving some personal attention (like how a friend put it), observing people around me, and not forgetting, daydreaming. Uh-huh, I daydream alot but it’s just to escape from reality for awhile. I don’t need earplugs to help me in that in fact!

These kinds of isolation are also VERY important for me, especially when I know I’d be dumped into an environment afterwards where I had no choice but to socialise. This include media events (during my internship), parties or functions, outing with friends or anything else that requires some form of socialising I’d say. You could think of it as a way to recharge my brain cells so that the right words come out of my mouth at the right time.

Introvert?

Would these describe me as an introvert? Possibly. Though, I’ve opened up a little over the three years in polytechnic and now that I’m in university, it’s much easier for me to communicate with people, I still feel that I’m an introvert. The need for some lone time and recharging of energy; all these kind of describe who I am. Plus, I’m also one of those who would choose to sleep or ‘lepak’ at home than go out with my friends. A lot have said this of me: “It’s really difficult to get Parveen out of the house.” But it’s true! I can’t help it! (The fact that I have some freedom constraints is another thing altogether.) Sometimes, while I’m getting ready, in my mind, I secretly wish that my friend cancels the plan but I know that’s being mean. I just can’t help it. That’s the reason why clubs and partying aren’t my thing, even if my parents gave me my full freedom to do what I want. I’d rather have a bottle of wine with a friend in the comfort of each other’s home!

I guess there are many aspects of being an introvert that overlap each other. We can’t run away from such facts. And I’m definitely not the only one!

To end off, I’d like to repeat myself: when I’m quiet or when I keep to myself, I’m perfectly fine. When I need help, I’d look for you!

But if you see me in red puffy and panda-ed eyes, then yea maybe something’s gone wrong. 😉

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